I'm determined to survive
There's this fear of rejection and that is one the greatest fears I have. It keeps me from trying out many things in life. I know it so well from personal experience as it happens to me many times. I sometimes try doing things so as to fit in and gain some acceptance. Recently when I was experiencing that well known phenomenon (which by the way has become like the order of the day for me), I decided to go to the beach and be alone by myself. It was sort of getting dark and as I saw ..... what was I going to say........yeah as I sat there feeling all the loneliness and sense of un-belonging, I thought, maybe this was God's plan of making me listen to him. I tried to listen to God and maybe He chose not to speak that evening. However, I told Him what was in my heart. I went home feeling much better. The next morning I gathered courage somehow and said that in order for me to make friends, I have to sometimes make the first move. I did invite two guys for friendship over the internet and only one replied. I said well, at least one did. Things have been going smoothly but I don't know why I can smell rejection already of late. We have not even met in person yet and this fear is already evident. I fear meeting in person just in case I don't meet his expectations and then rejection rears its ugly head at me again. This loneliness is killing me inside........I'll not give up. I'm determined to survive no matter what. Maybe I should go back to my poetry.
